ISLAND OF EVIL

This is where it all started. The ugly Isle of Capri. If you rotate the image vertically, it looks very much like a Capri-panted Cankle. If only it had gone the way of another Mediterranean isle.

THE ANTI-TURN-ON

THE SCENE: Woman with 6,000 pairs of shoes. Man with a HONKIN' shoe fetish.

WOMAN: "These?!?"
MAN: (desperately rubbing crotch) "Umm..."

EXHIBIT B

Bland Wifey in bunchy Capri pants tries DESPERATELY to entice hubby to jump into the sack with her by jumping rope for him. Hubby ignores her and continues to pretend to read an old edition of Welding & Cutting magazine.

CAPRI PANTS CAUSE DEMENTIA

Here a woman think she's a Bond Girl with a Walther PPK instead of a freak with a drill.

ALSO AVAILABLE IN SHIT BROWN

This is a style of Capri pant called the “Maryland Straight Leg.” Sporty stylish ladies can go straight from crabbing to dinner to ruining the appetites of fellow diners. Look at that back view.

EXHIBIT A

Here, an attractive woman begging to be picked up is snubbed by a dork wearing a sweater vest (click the pic, and look at the look on his face).

Why?

The Hatfields vs. Capri Pants

In cartoons, including Bugs Bunny, barefoot hillbillies seem to be wearing Capri-ish pants. But, this is a financial not fashion issue. Poor hillbillies keep wearing pants that no longer fit them, thus giving said pants the appearance of Capri. I come from Appalachian Trail hillbillies, so I know of what I speak.

SMARTYPANTS

Some intelligent person pointed me to the internet page detailing the exact moment in history when Capri pants became “Capri pants” (it’s a co-conspiracy of the French & Italians). Of course, they used to just be called “fishermen’s pants” (see, they’ve always STUNK). In Europe, apparently, rolling up normal pants was a monumental fucking task.

Which brings me to the pic at right. I know for a fact that her Capri pants had NOTHING to do with the catching of this fish. I also know that, not only is this girl not a fisherman, she actually didn’t catch that fish at all. That’s because this is a stock photo, created for ad people like me who happen to be looking for a cute shot of a girl catching a big fish while wearing stupid pants.

So there.

WHY WEAR THEM?

They make thin legs look nondescript, long legs look shorter, average legs look fat, and fat legs look disgusting.

For anyone wondering, I can go on and on and on (and will) about my hatred of capri pants—one of the stupidiest designs in the history of the universe.

Capri Pants Confuse

Is She...Submissive or Dominant?

women who got away with wearing Capri Pants

1. Patsy Cline.
2. 1960s Playboy Playmates.

CAPRI PANTS MAKE A FASHION STATEMENT

This is the statement: “I’m here, I’m not sexy.”

Capri Pants Cause Depression

HERE, A HOUSEWIFE contemplates killing herself because she looks so FUCKING STUPID.

even a total fox looks retarded in capri pants