"Leaf me alone." (sorry)

"Of all the trees in the world, they had to pick me. Do I get a forest ranger photo-op? Smokey the Bear? Nooooo. Please don't touch me."

On Flood Pants

When I say I hate Capri pants, I'm not talking about Pedal Pushers, or Yoga pants, or definitely not Flood pants. Even today, when I see a businessman in Flood pants, I admire him. He at least probably knows his pants look stupid. And, as I've touched on before, it might be a financial choice.

(this post has absolutely nothing to do with Hurricane Katrina)

Unfortunately, once the seaplane’s pilot saw that the stranded woman was wearing hideous Capri Pants, he pulled up, banked right, and flew back to Guam.

DO YOU KNOW THIS WOMAN?

If so, please tell her the next Shuttle Mission in March will be stopping at her home planet of Heinous.

Ladies Auxiliary ladies

Tonight I’m drinking classy—Chianti. Speaking of classy—on the stroll home to my abode, I was approached by these well-turned-out daughters of joy who asked me for directions to tomorrow morn’s free church pancake breakfast.

UGLY WORKWEEK UPCOMING

As usual, Monday looks bad. But take a peek ahead to Thursday—if the shit does hit the fan, at least you’ll be dressed for it.

OPERATION ENDURING STUPIDITY

The War On Terrible Pants goes on...

IMAGINE...

...being stranded on an island with this woman and this was the only outfit she had and she refused to ever take it off except when she carefully washed in a lagoon every day while you were sleeping and she would only have sex with you while she was wearing it which you of course couldn't do so you started desperately chipping holes in trees like the one behind her so that you could stick your Frank into something not wearing these Capri Pants.

"GOING CAPRI"

Mid a coupla fingers of Jack Daniels, I present a male phenomenon sweeping the nation known as “Going Capri.” I am totally not making this up (well, maybe the “sweeping” part). Unbeknownst to this mandal-sporting feller, a Grizzly Bear is about to make the phenomenon of wearing pants of any kind a moot point for him.

VACATION (from your senses) PANTS

American broads abroad:
Let em know how loud you are, without opening your mouths.

THIS IS THE LAST DAY THIS MODEL EVER WORKED

“Now sashaying down the runway we have … err … the latest … um … well…it says here that her hair is by Fred Fekkai and … the handbag is … ok-looking.”

PURPLE HAZE...

Hippie Chicks?
Drop some acid, don these duds, wait 30, then pour some concentrated H2SO4 all over your legs. Groovy, trust me.

CHILDREN OF THE CORNY PANTS

They are coming for you, stupid adult wearers of Capris. You can not run. You can not hide. Do not be deceived by their sweet faces and silky hair. The only trace of you they will leave is a bloody pair of ugly pants.

NIGHTMARE ON PANTS STREET

EVERY DAY, I ask myself:

"What could be worse than a pair of Capri Pants on a woman?" This here is it—a pair of Capri Pants on a woman on a pair of Capri Pants on a woman.

GUESS WHAT THIS DOG'S NAME IS?

Dogs are always happy?

"Capri" looks flushed with joy.

Lower East Side Capri Pants

Nice try Hispterette McChickiechick. You can pull the tongues of those oversized Cons up to your cooter—you're still wearing uncool, un-ironic, un-dope, un-rad, un-dek, un-fetch (did I miss any?)...poopy pants.

Limited Time Offer

So, I'm drunk again this evening. But never too inebriated (shit, I spelt that rite on the furst try) to post another Capri Pant Rant.

This is actually a challenge: If anyone out there can give me one good reason why Capri Pants need exist, I will send you this pair of opossum-colored CPs for FIFTY PERCENT OFF their original retail value (Note: those spiffy cuffs are 100% Road Kill Possum Fur.)

PRADA CAPRI PANTS

Now I know some of you out there are all like, 'dude you're just finding the fugliest capri pants pics you can find on the web and posting them.' Well, Mr.and/or Mrs Counterpoint (I'm drunk, please forgive my sketchy creativity at the moment), here is a pair of FUCKING PRADA FUCKING SPORT Capri pants. Go ahead, buy them and wear them Miss FashionFuckAnista, and look like a fucking Zebra whose stripes are too thin and whose skin is too loose.

A GROWING TREND

Flowers and/or leaves are popular Capri pant design elements, which is precious, because they make you look like a Blooming Idiot.

EXHIBIT C

This outfit is a vortex of UGLY. If this woman ever appears in public dressed so, all time, space, and matter would cease to exist and God would have to start over from scratch—this time hopefully editing out Capri pants.

TWEEDLEDUM & DUMMER

"Excuse me, Mr. Cupid, hi yeah, can I borrow your bow, thanks. And 2 arrows...poison-tipped please. Thanks."

Shitty Pants

Accentuating Cankles is bad enough. But then to pick a pair of Capris that suggest you just explosive-diarhhea-ed blueberry pie…

VOMIT...VOMIT...VOMIT!!!!!

Gals? Next time you head out to watch the Nitro-burning Funny Cars, make sure you’re wearing a pair of these eyeball burning funny pants.

DON'T THINK SO, ANGEL.

Miss Nasty Pants tried to get into heaven; God (who also hates the bejesus out of Capris) wrathfully body-slammed her back down to Earth to serve as a warning to all Capri-pant wearing heathens.

She's A Plum

BOINGGGG!!!

a Distraction, by any other name...

Nice try Helen: pinning a fugly faux rose thingy to your upper pants region in an attempt to take our eye away from one of the ugliest pair of Capris ever. The combination creates one of the absolute worst lower body getups in the history of fashion.